Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
