you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
