I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
