my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
