Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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