I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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