Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
