i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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