if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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