Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
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this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
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I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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