He asked to "fluff my boner.."
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Randomize
