Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
