oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
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Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
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Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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