dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
