I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
