drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You're like the curious george of whores
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
