I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
