Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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