She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
