She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
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i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
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It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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