just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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