fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
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