I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
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If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
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After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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