Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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