I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
