and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Randomize
