I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
