This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
