My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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