**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
