well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
In other news, I just burned my penis
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
