does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
