The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
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