Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
