I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
