two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
The air taste purple.
Randomize
