wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
