you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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