Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
