i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
