Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
