I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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