New invention idea: vibrating tampons
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
