she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
