i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
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i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
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Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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