My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
