Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
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You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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