mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
