We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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