I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Did I show you my penis last night?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
