I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
worst night to have a conscience
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
