I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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