can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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