it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
