i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
