Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
