Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
