Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Randomize
