I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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