I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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