thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
She needs sedatives and a leash
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
