Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
we're making bets on your personal life
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
