Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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