you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
